Today was a particularly bad day. I mean a go-down-in-the-record-books / day-you-remember-forever kind of day.
I began my day at my “girly doctors” office – blissfully unaware that my day was about to tank in mass proportions. I was excited to even be at THIS doctor as they had recently stopped taking my insurance, so I had to really BEG for the appointment anyway, but since I have been going there since I was say – 16 – I was really set on continuing to go there.
I was sitting in the waiting room, just reading a Kindle Book on my iPad …. I think I may have even been humming… when I hear “Ms Jones, can you come to the window please?” This should have been my first warning. Turns out 
there was an outstanding balance from – wait for it – TWO THOUSAND AND FIVE that they claimed to have been sending notices to my old address (read: exhusband’s address) trying to collect on. Awesome. I silently thanked God for yet another reminder that I did the right thing by leaving him and made a mental note to claw his eyes out next time I see him. I was mortified, but quickly paid the balance of just over $200, also thanking God that I was in a position to be able to do so.
I sat back down, my mood not quite destroyed but a bit bruised when the nurse came out to call me to the exam room. Now, let me just say here that I think making us get measured and weighed before being violated examined is just cruel. Really, can’t you do that AFTER we are already depressed. My ego was bruised even more when I hear “Wow, you have SHRUNK – you were a half inch taller last time you were here.” Awesome. I am 30 years old and already shrinking.
Wait – Does this mean I can start claiming to be growing younger?!
The nurse came in a few minutes later as I was perusing through their “easy reading” – a.k.a. descriptions of every STD, female illness, and diabetes – and began the exam. I will spare you the details, but basically after the exam was over, she sat down and said, “Lynsey, I really think you need a hysterectomy. With all of the issues you have had in the last 10 years, and the problems you had with your delivery 5 years ago and your problems since, I really think if would be best for your health to get a hysterectomy as soon as possible.”
I have been begging for a hysterectomy for years. I have stood firm in that I did not want any more children. I DO suffer every month with my “issues.” I really thought I would be happy to hear this news.
Instead I just cried.
Don’t get me wrong – there are some good things. An end to my monthly pain is great. Never having to worry about having an “embarrassing moment” again is great. Never having to miss out on a day swimming in the water on a day we take the boat out is great. Never having to “hide” a Tampax box in my shopping cart and hunting down a female checkout clerk is great. (yes, 21 years of buying Tampax and I still get a wee bit embarrassed. Don’t judge.)
There is just something about losing my chance to choose that has me pretty deeply sad about this. It isn’t about wanting more kids, as I can confidently say RIGHT NOW I am not interested in a third child. I love my life just exactly the way that it is right now with Mike and my work and my Tween and Toddler and I could not imagine adding anything into the mix.
It is about knowing that after the summer it will no longer be an option. Like ever.
So I am struggling. I am struggling with my inner “control freak” who is desperately wanting to hold on to my ability to make that decision “when I get there.” (My Faith tells me that I am pretty arrogant to think I am really “in control” of anything anyway) I am struggling with hurting Mike – a man who has always dreamed of being a father – and now having to tell him that if he still chooses me, he will never have that dream.
There is a big difference between WANTING a hysterectomy, and being told you NEED a hysterectomy.
I AM excited about my health issues coming to a close, and I DO feel that this is the best decision for me and my health. I AM excited about not “missing” anything again over my issues and finally getting my weight and hormones under control. I AM ready to settle into being a “Mom of Two Daughters” for the rest of my life. I AM going to go through with it, and I have scheduled the consult for 2 weeks to see how quickly I can get the procedure done. I have to just believe that everything happens for a reason, and this is just the next step in my life that will lead to bigger and better things. I just need a moment to mourn my ability to CHOOSE that for myself.
Hugs hon. I remember when Jillian was diagnosed with CP and the doc told me it was alright to grieve. I was SO confused since she was still with us, but I TOTALLY understand that now. I think it’s only natural to grieve. ((HUGS))
I just realized that I should have said something else too. 😉 I have just been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis that seems to go with my cycles. I brought it up with my rheumatologist and he said “menopause will be good for you, too bad it’s 20 years away” I didn’t really like that answer.
first Hugs! I think it is only natural for a younger woman to feel this way. I was another that begged & looked for new docs to take my girly problems seriously. I was told I had to wait until I was older. even tho DH had a vasectomy after our 2nd, I was 21, but I had miscarried so much & bled & had the nasty accidents I was told I could not risk a nother pregancy. but I still had to wait…
Have a real honest heart to heart with your partner. a bit may come from never being able to give him a child. but if he really wants one, they are other avenues.
your health is more important. and if you can stop the suffering & pain… it is your body & desciison.
good luck & hugs!
Thinking of you! I know exactly what you mean. I too am a control-freak with little control over anything; but it’s nice to pretend…right?
Love you and praying for you 🙂
I completely understand this. I have four kids and I have had three miscarriages, and I knew 100% that I didn’t want any more children. But when I had my hysterectomy I felt a huge sense of loss. I still get a twinge of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman, because it’s not something I could do if I wanted to. On the upside, once the healing is done, life is so much better after a hysterectomy. I don’t know what problems you are having, but for me, my health has improved so much and I have a lot more physical freedom than I had before.
BIG HUGS!
I understand completely! My pregnancies with Quentin and Brody were horrible. I was bedridden most of the time and the dr told me a tubal would be a great option for me. After I got over the shock I really thought about it and decided he was right. I love the cuddly newborn stage but three kids is enough for our family. Shortly after hubby had a vasectomy.
Funny thing is tomorrow morning I’m having a hysterectomy because of my “issues”. When they first called to schedule it I was heartbroken because that is so final. But now I’m looking forward to life after recovery.
I have always thought of my hysterectomy as my ultimate choice, not as losing the choice. I had endometriosis, and a long list of other things that were caused by having ovaries. I actually went back to see my doctor after my hysterectomy to thank her for giving me back my life. I hope you feel better after yours.
Big hugs. I haven’t had a hysterectomy but I do understand somewhat. Without going completely into it, I will just say I am praying for you! Big hugs.
Lynsey, I can’t say that I have gone through what you are going through, but my mom did. She had to have a hysterectomy at 30 to remove cancer. She was totally without choices (other than death) and it didn’t look really good there, either. We had never known anyone to survive cancer at all. EVER!
I was in the 3rd grade. Now, Mom is still with us and doing well, but even knowing that she was without any choice at all, she grieved a bit, too. I think it is normal. Hugs! Finality is always kind of hard to take.
Lynsey,
I know exactly how you feel. I had to have my hysterectomy at 35. I had been WANTING one for 5 years prior to that because of the horrible pain and severe bleeding for weeks at a time every month. I missed so many days of work and social functions because of my cycles that I really hated it. I knew that I did not want to have any more children and that I really couldn’t handle another pregnancy and delivery (I hemorrhaged after the first birth), but just like you said, to be told that you COULD NOT have any more is devastating…. I cried in the car for 20 minutes after the appt. then again after I got home and told my hubby, who didn’t want any more kids and knew I didn’t want any more kid… It is a natural, emotional reaction, especially after you know the joy of having your children.
But the best part of the surgery: no more pain, no more bleeding and all the things you mentioned in your post… I have loved every minute of it… and if you are lucky enough to be able to keep your ovaries, you should go into early menopause THAT early.
Good lucky and let me know if you want to talk….. HUGGLES!
Lynsey I can’t say I know how you feel but I think what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Thinking of you and you know how to reach me if you need to for anything anytime
I’m sorry Lynsey, but I am so glad that your medical issues will be gone. I have a hard time even thinking about losing my right to choose- like it really makes me tear up, so I can’t imagine how you are feeling. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking the time to let it all sink in or mourning. When the times does come, I hope everything goes smoothly. ((HUGS))