Today was a particularly bad day. I mean a go-down-in-the-record-books / day-you-remember-forever kind of day.
I began my day at my "girly doctors" office - blissfully unaware that my day was about to tank in mass proportions. I was excited to even be at THIS doctor as they had recently stopped taking my insurance, so I had to really BEG for the appointment anyway, but since I have been going there since I was say - 16 - I was really set on continuing to go there.
I was sitting in the waiting room, just reading a Kindle Book on my iPad .... I think I may have even been humming... when I hear "Ms Jones, can you come to the window please?" This should have been my first warning. Turns out there was an outstanding balance from - wait for it - TWO THOUSAND AND FIVE that they claimed to have been sending notices to my old address (read: exhusband's address) trying to collect on. Awesome. I silently thanked God for yet another reminder that I did the right thing by leaving him and made a mental note to claw his eyes out next time I see him. I was mortified, but quickly paid the balance of just over $200, also thanking God that I was in a position to be able to do so.
I sat back down, my mood not quite destroyed but a bit bruised when the nurse came out to call me to the exam room. Now, let me just say here that I think making us get measured and weighed before being
violated examined is just cruel. Really, can't you do that AFTER we are already depressed. My ego was bruised even more when I hear "Wow, you have SHRUNK - you were a half inch taller last time you were here." Awesome. I am 30 years old and already shrinking.
Wait - Does this mean I can start claiming to be growing younger?!
The nurse came in a few minutes later as I was perusing through their "easy reading" - a.k.a. descriptions of every STD, female illness, and diabetes - and began the exam. I will spare you the details, but basically after the exam was over, she sat down and said, "Lynsey, I really think you need a hysterectomy. With all of the issues you have had in the last 10 years, and the problems you had with your delivery 5 years ago and your problems since, I really think if would be best for your health to get a hysterectomy as soon as possible."
I have been begging for a hysterectomy for years. I have stood firm in that I did not want any more children. I DO suffer every month with my "issues." I really thought I would be happy to hear this news.
Instead I just cried.
Don't get me wrong - there are some good things. An end to my monthly pain is great. Never having to worry about having an "embarrassing moment" again is great. Never having to miss out on a day swimming in the water on a day we take the boat out is great. Never having to "hide" a Tampax box in my shopping cart and hunting down a female checkout clerk is great. (yes, 21 years of buying Tampax and I still get a wee bit embarrassed. Don't judge.)
There is just something about losing my chance to choose that has me pretty deeply sad about this. It isn't about wanting more kids, as I can confidently say RIGHT NOW I am not interested in a third child. I love my life just exactly the way that it is right now with Mike and my work and my Tween and Toddler and I could not imagine adding anything into the mix.
It is about knowing that after the summer it will no longer be an option. Like ever.
So I am struggling. I am struggling with my inner "control freak" who is desperately wanting to hold on to my ability to make that decision "when I get there." (My Faith tells me that I am pretty arrogant to think I am really "in control" of anything anyway) I am struggling with hurting Mike - a man who has always dreamed of being a father - and now having to tell him that if he still chooses me, he will never have that dream.
There is a big difference between WANTING a hysterectomy, and being told you NEED a hysterectomy.
I AM excited about my health issues coming to a close, and I DO feel that this is the best decision for me and my health. I AM excited about not "missing" anything again over my issues and finally getting my weight and hormones under control. I AM ready to settle into being a "Mom of Two Daughters" for the rest of my life. I AM going to go through with it, and I have scheduled the consult for 2 weeks to see how quickly I can get the procedure done. I have to just believe that everything happens for a reason, and this is just the next step in my life that will lead to bigger and better things. I just need a moment to mourn my ability to CHOOSE that for myself.