Warning: this post may offend some people. It is a large dose of raw reality. I always love comments, but please keep it clean and respectful. We are all adults, let's make sure to act like it.
Yesterday my friend Christy and I headed to walk some trails at our local college for exercise and to do something "different" than our normal morning walk around our neighborhood.
I could tell something was on her mind but when I asked, she said she couldn't even quite put words to it.
Here is the scenario:
The night before she went to a different church for Wednesday Night Supper. She didn't have a real great experience right from the beginning, but what had her dumbfounded was the sermon.
The sermon was from Colossians Chapter 3 where it talks about how a woman should "submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord." (Col 3:18)
The Pastor went into some detail about how couples seem to "let themselves go" once they are in a relationship, and how appearance and hygiene and such seem to fall to the wayside.
He even went as far as to tell the women that they "need to lose weight and put on makeup and do their hair and get out of sweatpants" so that they are more pleasing to their men.
Surprisingly, this is not the part that sent her (and I as she told me) over the edge.
The Pastor did continue on in the Chapter where it is also told that "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." (Col 3:19) and he nailed the guys about how they treat their wives and their expectations and that they should also HELP with the children, and household, etc. (which is GREAT!)
The part that kept sticking out though was how he was talking only about a woman's appearance and a man's behavior. Even went as far as to say "Men are visual creatures..."
Here is what get's me...
WOMEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES TOO!!
The Pastor said something about the wives needing to lose weight to be more appealing to the man.... but why not point out that most MEN who have gotten "comfortable" could stand to trim a few pounds too? And no guys won't put makeup on... but they could shave their face every day!!
Just because there are more topless bars than male dance clubs does not mean women are any less visual - it simply means we are just not as OPEN with what we like. (and don't get me started on THAT bandwagon...)
There is a reason why men like Matthew McConaughey and Brad Pitt and Taylor Lautner sell millions and millions of magazines with them on the cover. (Hello Playboy... "we like the articles".... rrrriiiigggghhhhtttt.)
Or why Adam Levine posed naked for UK Cosmo to promote awareness of prostate cancer. That was certainly not an ad for men.
At the beginning of relationships I think people are almost overly concerned with their appearance, and go to great lengths to impress their partner - both the men and women.
This is of course due to the fact that being a SLOB is not a real appealing quality.
But why then is it ok to become a slob later in the relationship?! At what point is it ok to STOP caring about your appearance and STOP trying to impress your partner?
In my opinion: Never.
The second part of this Scripture also talks about how it is a woman's "duty" to take care of her man sexually. I believe that this is paramount for BOTH sexes.
Most men (and some women) would say that they do not have enough sex. In fact, the two main causes for the huge divorce rate in our country are sex and money. (or lack thereof)
Most every couple reports a fantastic sex life at the beginning of the relationship, but report that it slowly declines. And of course, there is the adage of "sex ends with marriage."
With that being said, doesn't it kind of stand to reason that intimacy rapidly declines when two partners "let themselves go!?" Can't we agree that the two issues are directly connected?
How is anyone supposed to find beer guts and scruffy faces and ponytails and dirty sweatpants sexy? Especially when you were such a goddess in the beginning?
When are we going to realize that WOMEN are just as visual as men and that relationships and intimacy decline at the same exact rate that "letting ourselves go" does?
If you Google "Why do people let themselves go," you will find thousands of articles where people have tried to explain the psychology of (what I call) laziness in relationships.
Oprah, Dr Phil, and hundreds of others have addressed this topic, and every single one of them agree that it is detrimental to the intimacy of a relationship. WHY if we all KNOW THIS do we keep doing it!?!
Women aren't on their own list of priorities.
After taking care of everyone else, they are always putting themselves last on the list, and often have very little left to give. There are many women who aren't living—they are just existing.This is a form of self-abuse. Women often wear their exhaustion as a badge of honor. The more you do for your loved ones, the more acceptable it becomes to "let yourself go."
Women believe it's okay to become a "sacrificial lamb" within their own families. This is a lie that we allow ourselves to buy into, but we need to wake up!
The challenge for women is that they must re-language what it means to be a wife and mother.
Being a good wife and mother means that if you don't take care of yourself, in the long run you are ultimately harming all the otherpeople you love in your life. You won't be the only one who takes the hit. ~Oprah
Mike and I have been together for nearly 3 years now. We have two children (from my previous marriage) four dogs, both work from home... in other words, we are no more or less "busy" than any other couple out there.
We have the same bills, the same stresses, same responsibilities, same arguments. He can probably count on two hands the number of days he has seen me without makeup, without my hair done, not showered, etc. It's a priority for me.
In fact, it is a TOP priority for me and sometimes means getting up an hour before everyone else....I'm cool with that. I know it matters that much.
But why do men think it does not matter for them?
Even this Pastor who was quick to tell the ladies how to be more aesthetically pleasing to their men did not make a single mention about the MEN'S appearance being equally as important.
Do women not deserve to be equally attracted to our mates? Are we supposed to settle and be ok with kissing bad breath or running our hands through greasy hair?
Not in this lifetime.
Letting yourself go is not exclusively a male pursuit, of course. It's just that men can get away with it. ~Huffington Post
In my opinion, it boils down to laziness and under prioritizing our own self and our partners. The irony is that women "let themselves go" because they tend to prioritize themselves LAST - behind their partner and children.
Men, on the other hand, let themselves go because they prioritize themselves FIRST, and take for granted that they have "caught" their woman and that she has promised to stay, so they give in to their laziness and do not prioritize their own appearance.
How can I prove this? The #1 thing that happens after a divorce - both individuals lose a ton of weight, and begin a journey of "self-improvement." (Why do we not do this while we are IN the relationships!? MAYBE the relationships would not end!!)
When they are on their own again, they prioritize themselves and start doing the things to make themselves feel good again... 99% of which is appearance.
On one hand, I am glad I was not at this sermon, as I am not sure I could have sat still throughout without raising my hand to respectfully ask a few questions. (Yes, I am that girl)
But on the other, I wish I had been there, as I think this is an "additional" teaching of this Scripture that we need to make just as important, and begin working with our partners and children in teaching them that it is absolutely NOT ok to "let yourself go" and that it is ok to demand that your partner not either.
Let me close by adding that I do believe that "beauty is more than skin deep" and that vanity is not the #1 biggest priority in one's life.
I also know that a man's (or woman's!) worth can not be measured by his outward appearance.
HOWEVER, in this context - of a Preacher telling the women how THEY need to appear to their mate - I believe that "what is good for the goose is good for the gander" and that a relationship is no place for a double standard - especially when it comes to appearance.
Rachel says
I totally agree with you! My husband and I have been together 9 years and he's been with me through thick and thin body-wise. I was thin when we met and then pregnancy just did a number to me - thankfully now I'm back to my pre-baby body. 🙂 But I always try to look good for him, and he does the same for me. He cares about how he looks and more importantly if I find him attractive, and I feel the same way about him!
Shasta says
I don't think either partner should let themselves go, but as a mom who stays at home I think I am a lot more likely to allow that to happen than my husband who is in the military and leaves the house every day!
I don't find this article offensive at all, I just don't think men tend to stay at home all day taking care of the kids in their PJ's and forget to take care of themselves. If my husband wants to buy protein powder and go to the gym, he's a lot more likely to dish out the cash, and I'd want to save it.
I guess what I'm saying is that I think the pastor was reaching the two biggest problem areas for each sex. Women let themselves go while taking care of everyone else, and men are jerks!
Amy Pakidis says
I have the same scenario that Shasta mentions. Being a SAHM and my husband is in the military, required to lead students in PT, pass PRT's (Physical Readiness Tests) every few months...He has a more active lifestyle than mine. While MINE is spent taking care of the kids, doing laundry, cooking, washing dishes, etc. And with the pregnancy weight gain and some emotional rollercoasters, my weight has gone up and down and up again. Now that Logan is in pre-k, I am totally taking advantage of some of my 2.5 hours of free time and trying to get back to my old self. I may not put on make up EVERY day though, because my skin likes me more when it can breathe better. Hahaha
I completely agree with you Lynsey that women (and men) should put themselves first at times in order to stay healthy and happy. But how this sermon came across to the congregation is really sad. I hope the pastor/preacher adjusts his view a bit the next time he decides to re-use this sermon, or preach on a similar topic.
Joy Williams says
All very true & valid points. Glad you had a voice to say it!
Chris says
Well I certainly can attest to this. I got really lazy in my first long term relationship and I truly let myself go on a grand scale even for me. I had come to terms that that was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with. WRONG!!! I had ballooned up to 260 lbs and I looked horribly sad in my pictures but I was ok with it. I had settled with myself. My own girlfriend had attempted to get me active and of course I fought it until the end of our relationship. When she did end it with me I did exactly what Lynsey said. I began my year long journey to "find myself". I started walking as therapy to get past my break up blues and became obsessed with exercise as the weight flew off. A little over a year later I had dropped down to my goal weight of 169 lbs. I had made a solemn promise to myself that if I got back into another relationship that this would NEVER happen again. I know I had become unattractive in my first relationship.
Now in my second long term I had been asked by my girlfriend if she had ever become overweight would I still love her. Well honestly, I told her yes. Was I lying? Noooooo! I told her I didn't want her to be unhealthy and that she would be more energetic by doing simple cardio. The point is is that I lived that life and that I have busted my butt even in my last relationship to stay thin....but I did it for myself. The problem for most guys is that they lack motivation when they have a significant other in their life. My motivation in my relationship? I love being skinny. I like when the positive comments flow. I LOVE BEING IN SIZE 32 JEANS!
As a guy, yes we want our women hot and sexy. Deep down most guys want our girls to stay the same but it doesn't always happen. I will be honest. I lost my weight and kept it off because I know most women do not find being fat overly sexy. I have been overweight and so I know by losing weight I look more attractive and that is how I want my women. Am I looking for a super model? Hell no, but I want someone who tries to take care of herself. I hate to say it but physical attraction is an important part of dating and choosing partners. That doesn't change when your in a relationship. If you don't attempt to keep up then everything suffers.
Most guys, I'm definitely no exception, think it's ok for us to do whatever we want without consequence, but when our girl tries the same thing, we (guys) think you have committed an unforgivable sin. It's not right and I don't know why we do it...We just do. It's wrong and needs to be addressed. Life IS a two way street.
admin says
Chris, as usual I love your honesty. I didnt know you at 260, but I think you look fantastic at 169. One of these days we WILL go running together!! 🙂
Lorie Shewbridge says
I agree that it is really unbelievable that the pastor would single out the women to lose weight and wear make-up and do their hair, but not ever say anything to the husbands. That's just not right to have a double standard. I can see why your girlfriend would be so upset - and you, too.
I think she should either say something to the pastor and/or never go to that church again. I would not go their again, I have a true problem with organized religion because of this very reason!
admin says
Thankfully we have a fantastic church, and that will probably be the only time she goes to the other one. I think we will write a letter though - as it certainly did turn her off to that church, and they should know, because I would hate for someone to get turned off about ANY church just over that one experience, kwim?
Melissa says
Completely agree with this. I try to make myself look good, not only for him, but myself. Love your honesty in this article.
Jen-Eighty MPH Mom says
Excellent post! I always try to look my best...but not only for my husband, but for me! I think society lets it be "okay" that men can let themselves go, but women cannot. I doubt I would return to that church either...
admin says
I tell Mike all the time that I do it more for me than him LOL When I know I look great, I just FEEL better. I am more productive, more outgoing, and ready for anything!
Lindsay says
I couldn't agree more, although, I didn't realize this truth until much too late. I let myself go early in our marriage and it spiraled out of control after having children. Now I'm three years post-baby and I still have about 40 pounds to lose. It wasn't until I realized that I was not the same person my husband married seven years ago that I came to the conclusion that it was entirely my own fault for not taking care of my basic appearance. When my appearance changed, my personality changed as I became more and more uncomfortable in my own skin and stopped being that outgoing girl that he had married. Now I'm on my way back to my former self so that I can be a better wife and MOTHER by showing my girls that self-esteem and keeping yourself healthy is important!
admin says
Right, and I think that is probably the deeper part of it - that when we LOOK different, we feel and act different. The whole "you've changed" thing probably has a lot to do with appearance and self esteem.
Nicole says
I have completely changed how I do my routine since I got married. I do no make up, plain clothes, nothing fancy. I don't even wear my wedding rings. I think if you are comfortable with your spouse you can both "let yourself go" a little.
trisha says
Letting yourself get too comfortable ad stop caring for yourself is a great road to divorce...on both sides.
Rebel Chick Jenn says
Frankly, I am surprised that you are surprised that this happened. The bible is full of sexist sentiments. The only "Godly" women referenced in the bible are the ones washing their husband's feet with their hair. (of course this is an exaggeration but you get my point)
admin says
Hahaha, well, it did make me incredibly thankful that my church is so much more progressive, and not still stuck in the dark ages. I go to a Southern Baptist church, which is generally very patriarchal, but they are much more about equality than the other church apparently.
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
I agree 100% with you Lynsey! There is an amazing, fabulous WONDERFUL book written by a Christian psychologist called "Love & Respect" (by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs sp?) In it he puts 100% responsibility on BOTH the man and the wife for marital issues. We are both responsible. When the husband acts unloving to his wife it causes her to act disrespectful. But she is responsible for how she reacts and treats him. Then he says that entire thing in reverse too.
Seriously, that book said exactly what you did and you know what? I am a passionate Christian, but this pastor should have done a bit more proofreading before he preached that. Sadly, that "men are visual creatures" thing is all too common - even among non-Christians. You are right, women are visual too! We may not think about sex as often, but we can still fall and daydream!
admin says
EXACTLY. And men should take just as much care in looking and smelling appealing to us... that is, if they want to keep us around 😉
Jessi @ Jabbering Jessi says
I totally agree. Lee and I both could stand to lose some pounds but we are working on that together as much for ourselves as each other. I would want to get thin and trim and have him think it is ok to let himself go. And if he ever smelled unappealing it would only be because I killed him and the lime is no longer working to cover the body rot stench haah.
pamela says
The bible says we have to obey them, not LOVE them. lol
Bobbie says
Love this article and the message! Very well written!